Catastrophe!
by dustofwarfare
Summary: Sephiroth and Genesis come home with enhanced, cat-like features thanks to a materia accident. Angeal is allergic to cats. Hijinks ensue. AngealXSephirothXGenesis, humor.


**Catastrophe! **

"I didn't mean for this to happen," Genesis informs him, sniffing. "I didn't!"

"But how?" Angeal asks, blinking at him. "Seriously, Gen...how do you suddenly become part _cat_? You even have those ears! It's...what did you do?"

Genesis's cat ears flatten against the side of his head. It's cute, but Angeal isn't going to tell him that. "Nothing, Hewley, I told you. It just _happened_. War makes monsters out of men, et cetera, et cetera."

"Can I…"

"If you ask if you can pet me," Genesis says, "I'm going to scratch you." He delicately licks the back of one hand, rubbing it over his hair.

Angeal raises his eyebrows.

Genesis realizes what he's doing and scowls. "Don't," he says, warningly. "I'm sure it will wear off, soon."

An hour later, Angeal starts sneezing and can't stop.

ooooOOOOoooooo

Sephiroth walks in the door, looking like a cat who was just caught in a rainstorm.

Literally. Like Genesis, he has ears, too, and he even has a tail. It's as silver as his hair, just as long, and just as impractical. It's also dripping wet, because it really is pouring rain outside.

Basically, everything on Seph that could drip water is doing so, right on the floor.

"You, too?" asks Angeal, sighing.

Sephiroth looks very disgruntled. He already looked a bit like a cat, even without the ears and the tail.

"There was some materia," he says, stripping off his leather coat. Before Angeal can ask him what _some materia_ he's talking about, or where he might have encountered it, Sephiroth's eyes narrow and he hisses.

Gen appears in the doorway, fresh from what has to be his eighteenth nap in the last three hours. He stretches in an unnatural way, bones shifting and moving in ways they shouldn't. He hisses back at Sephiroth.

"No," Angeal says, firmly. "_No_. We've worked through this part. We have a lease! All our names are on it!"

Sephiroth and Genesis ignore him, choosing instead to circle each other and hiss. At one point, Genesis reaches out and swats at Sephiroth's head with his hand.

Angeal would laugh, because it looks ridiculous, but he's too busy wondering if he's going to have to pay a pet deposit if the landlord finds out about this.

ooooOOOOoooooo

"I didn't know!" Zack protests, watching as Angeal bandages his hand. "The ears, though. The _ears_. They're so cute!"

Angeal gives his protegee a look and wraps the bandage tightly. "I told you not to do it. I _told_ you."

"I thought he was asleep," Zack says, sheepishly. "Sorry? I would have done it to Sephiroth, but I couldn't see his ears in all that hair. How long do they think this is going to last?"

"I don't know," says Angeal, and sneezes again.

"Do you want to stay with me for awhile?" Zack asks, sympathetically.

_Yes, yes I do._ "It's fine," Angeal says, bravely. It is dishonorable to abandon the two men you love and who, you're fairly certain, only keep the peace with each other for your sake (and for the sex, which is pretty great).

"Your eyes are all red and swollen," Zack points out, as if Angeal somehow missed that. "Can't they give you anything to help with that?"

Angeal has no idea if they could or not, because he's not about to ask. Knowing Hojo, his answer would probably be to turn Angeal into a cat, too. Or a cat-dragon-wolf hybrid. Or a bird, because Hojo is a sick fuck.

"I'm sure it will wear off soon," Angeal assures him, finishing with the bandages. He sneezes, again. "Really, other than the allergies, things aren't as different as you might think."

Right then, there's a blur of red and silver as Genesis and Sephiroth race by the open bathroom door, making inhuman, catlike sounds, feet thundering on the hardwood.

Zack bites his lip to keep from laughing, and hands Angeal a tissue.

ooooOOOOoooooo

A few days later, Angeal comes home with some allergy medication (obtained from a regular, non-ShinRa doctor) and a bag of catnip.

He sprinkles some of the catnip on the floor, watching curiously to see if either of his recently feline-enhanced boyfriends do anything out of the ordinary. There's no scientific reason behind this, Zack just mentioned _did you get them some catnip, because, hilarious_, in passing and Angeal thought he'd try it out. Just to amuse himself.

He feels like he's being pretty understanding about this whole thing.

The cat-boyfriends do not appear to agree with him. They both stand and look at the catnip with identical expressions of disdain, which they immediately turn on Angeal.

"Oh, please," says Genesis, nose in the air. "I'm insulted, Angeal."

Sephiroth bats at the pile of herbs with his tail. He makes a face. "We're going to have to vacuum that," he says, catlike eyes narrowed at Angeal. "What about our security deposit?"

Angeal gets the vacuum from the closet. When he switches it on, both Sephiroth and Genesis take off and disappear in the bedroom. Angeal smiles a little in evil glee, until he realizes this means he's going to be doing all the vacuuming from now on, and Sephiroth _already_ shed too much, even before he was a cat.

ooooOOOOoooooo

They're in the ShinRa briefing room, discussing an upcoming mission, when Lazard pulls out a laser pointer.

Two seconds later, Genesis, who's been half-asleep next to Angeal (which he did even before he was part cat), leaps up and pounces at the wall. It's very graceful. Or at least, it starts out that way. It's not as graceful when Genesis stumbles backwards and lands in a heap on the floor.

Angeal tries not to laugh with the others, but it's very difficult. Genesis hisses, ears going flat, and stalks out of the room. If he had a tail, Angeal is certain it would be between his legs.

"We're going to get that fixed, right?" Lazard asks, though Angeal isn't sure, exactly, _who_ Lazard is asking. "Please tell me we're going to get that fixed."

"If we don't, the Wutai army is going to switch their strategy from guerrilla fighting to balls of string," says Zack. He starts giggling. "Sorry! Sorry."

"You're not," says Lazard, his lips twitching.

"Not really," Zack agrees, snickering again.

Angeal clears his throat. Remembering that he's in the room, and that Angeal is very _fond_ of Genesis even if the SOLDIER director isn't really sure why, Lazard flushes a little and looks guiltily at him.

"Can I have that?" Angeal asks, nodding at the laser pointer.

Lazard blinks, but when Angeal sneezes three times in a row, he hands it over without a word.

ooooOOOOoooooo

"I'm not speaking to you," says Genesis, when Angeal flashes the laser pointer at him. "I'm also not falling for that twice."

"Shh," Angeal says, grinning evilly. "I know. But Sephiroth wasn't in the meeting today."

Genesis smiles at him. He looks like the cat that ate the canary - or the cat that is aware the red thing moving around on the floor isn't an intruder, but hopes the _other_ cat won't be as smart as he is. "I love when you're evil," Genesis says, and is suddenly rubbing up against him.

Really, Angeal thinks, the only difference here is that now when Genesis purrs, he _purrs_.

ooooOOOOoooooo

"I told you," Sephiroth says, very stiffly, and his tail is pointing straight up at the ceiling, "I thought it was a rifle sight and we were under attack."

Genesis is rolling around on the floor, laughing. Angeal wonders if he should mention that, while Genesis didn't leap off the bed and almost knock himself unconscious like _some_ people (this time), his eyes still tracked the movement of the flickering red light as if he couldn't quite help himself.

"Sure you did," Angeal says, grinning at Sephiroth. He can't help it. It's funny to see Sephiroth's hackles up, especially literally. His hair looks as if he stuck his finger in an electric socket.

Angeal wonders if he could get away with snapping a picture with his PHS, or if Sephiroth would kill him before he sent the picture off to Zack.

He tries it anyway.

ooooOOOOoooooo

"I asked you," Genesis growls, pinning Hojo to the wall of his laboratory, "If you did this."

"And I told you," Hojo wheezes, still managing to glare, "That I didn't. What possible reason would I have for making you or Sephiroth into a _cat_? I hate cats." He sneezes.

Angeal realizes they have something in common, he and Hojo, and wants to kill himself.

Sephiroth is idly pawing at shiny things in the professor's lab, of which there are many. "Is that why I could never have a pet as a child?"

"I gave you pets as a child," Hojo mutters, affronted, glaring at his son. "What about all those mice and things?"

"You infected them with diseases and made me watch them die," Sephiroth points out.

"You had to learn about the cycle of life somehow," Hojo snaps, then wheezes and makes a pained noise.

"Gen, don't strangle him," Angeal says, though reluctantly. Anytime he's forced to hear tidbits from Sephiroth's childhood, he wants to strangle Hojo, too.

"I'm not strangling him," Genesis says. "I'm just clawing him somewhere very unpleasant."

Sephiroth doesn't smile, or change expression, but Angeal is close enough to hear him start purring.

"You don't even have a _tail_," Hojo continues, sounding annoyed. "Though you've always been a second-rate experiment, so I shouldn't be surprised."

It's probably a good time to leave. Especially considering Sephiroth has started to, very systematically, knock Hojo's shiny laboratory things onto the floor just to watch them break.

ooooOOOOoooooo

Angeal comes home and sees Sephiroth and Genesis standing and staring, very pointedly, at a corner in the living room.

"Um," he says, then rubs his temples. He's starting to think it's better if he just doesn't ask.

"Shhh," hisses Sephiroth, eyes fixed on the corner.

Angeal makes himself dinner, watches a movie, and then gets ready for bed. Sephiroth and Genesis are staring at the same spot in the living room when he gives up waiting for them to stop being weird and goes into the bedroom.

He wakes up some few hours later, with Genesis and Sephiroth climbing all over him and purring. It's annoying, but then it isn't, and Angeal thinks hazily that maybe the whole cat thing isn't that bad, after all.

Really, whatever that was they were doing in the living room...it was the longest he's ever seen Gen and Seph get along, outside of the bedroom, so maybe it has some benefits that outweigh the parts that are annoying. Of which there are definitely many.

(Angeal doesn't mind getting out of bed with a few scratches, but he'd prefer it not be because he accidentally rolled over on Sephiroth's tail in the middle of the night. He had no idea Sephiroth could even _make_ that noise, talk about _sounding like a scalded kitten_.)

The next morning, Angeal disentangles himself from his sleeping companions, carefully unwinds Sephiroth's tail _and_ his hair, and scratches Gen behind the ears just because he can. They mumble something, and Angeal rolls his eyes and muffles a sneeze as he goes to get dressed.

He has early morning detail, which the other two do not. Somehow, this isn't quite fair, even though Sephiroth tried pointing out that _cats are nocturnal, Angeal._

Angeal showers, shaves, and dresses in the bathroom. When he goes back through the bedroom, he sees Genesis and Sephiroth sleeping nestled up against each other, with Sephiroth's tail curled around them both.

Angeal smiles, filled with affection. And then he takes a picture, because one day, he might need blackmail material and it doesn't get much better than this.

Angeal's smile lasts until he goes to put his boots on, which are sitting by the front door. Placed very strategically next to them is a single, dead mouse.

And that is when Angeal decides he's over the cat thing. _Over it_.

ooooOOOOoooooo

"I'm going to need you to fix this," Angeal tells Lazard.

"I know," Lazard says, hands up, looking a bit worried at the tall, obviously annoyed SOLDIER stalking towards him. "I know, we're working on it, it's just that - what is that you're holding?"

Angeal drops the mouse on Lazard's desk and folds his arms, glaring.

"I'll see what I can do," Lazard promises, quickly, and reaches for his phone.

ooooOOOOoooooo

It turns out the problem was in fact due to materia, and Lazard has an expert summoned to take a look and put things back to normal.

"Why the fuck is there a materia that turns people into a cat?" Genesis demands, reaching up and raking a hand through his hair, obviously making sure the ears are gone. Angeal will maybe sort of miss them. Genesis was a really cute cat, if a bit temperamental.

Sephiroth, on the other hand, looked like one of those prissy cats you were afraid would get dirty, or that cost you more than your mortgage and never let you pet them. The tail didn't help.

"It's not particularly geared towards cats, per se," the materia expert assures them. She looks like she's trying not to giggle. Angeal figures she wouldn't be laughing if she woke up with a mouse in her shoe. "It's a transform materia, and it works on instincts that are already present in the person it is cast upon."

"Then why didn't I have a tail?" Genesis demands, pointing at Sephiroth. "_He_ did."

"Um," she says, looking briefly at Sephiroth's hair. "I think that's...sort of obvious, don't you?"

Angeal clears his throat. "You'd be surprised."

Genesis glares at him. "Cast it on him, I want to see what kind of cat Angeal would be."

"You just want to see if he has a tail or not," Sephiroth accuses, tossing his hair. Angeal thinks Sephiroth probably misses the tail, but will never admit it. He'd gotten pretty good at whacking things with it, namely Genesis.

"I wouldn't be a cat," Angeal says, hurriedly, because the materia expert is giving him a considering sort of look that he doesn't like. What is wrong with scientists? Are they all like this, or is it just the ones employed by ShinRa? Does anyone in this company do any _normal_, useful research?

"It's still in the experimental stage," she assures them. She looks a little shifty, or maybe that's just part of the ShinRa Science Department's uniform. Their equivalent of mako eyes, maybe.

"What is that useful for, though?" asks Angeal. "Other than tormenting someone's boyfriend who has cat allergies."

"Ouch," she says, wincing. "Sorry? Like I said, I don't know how this happened. It wasn't supposed to be used on anyone important."

Genesis crosses his arms and glares, but being referred to as _important_ appears to mollify him somewhat. "You're forgiven. Now, turn Angeal into something. Oh, I just want to _see_," he grouses, when Angeal sputters and tries to cuff him on the back of the head. "Like you're not curious."

"I'm _not_," says Angeal. Firmly. He isn't.

Maybe just a little. He sighs. "Okay, fine. For two seconds, and that's _it_."

ooooOOOOoooooo

"It's not funny," Angeal mutters, darkly, when they finally get back to the apartment. "It _isn't_."

"It is, though," Genesis says, laughing harder. He's leaning against Sephiroth, who's grinning and also laughing, which is not a sight Angeal is particularly used to seeing, and would probably enjoy if it weren't at his expense.

"And here, you are always calling Zack a puppy," Sephiroth says, gleefully. Or as gleefully as Sephiroth has ever said anything, which is still not making Angeal hate him any less. "If only he knew."

"Too bad we're not telling him," Angeal says, firmly. He glares at both Sephiroth and Genesis. "Because we're _not_."

Sephiroth and Genesis exchange a look, then smile at him. Genesis holds up his PHS and waves it at Angeal. "Too late."

ooooOOOOoooooo

"So," Zack says, when they're waiting in the elevator to go to the training floor.

"Don't," Angeal warns him. There are a few ShinRa infantrymen in the elevator with them, and Angeal is not going to have Zack mentioning things he shouldn't, or referring to pictures that shouldn't exist, in front of them.

"It's just, you were -"

"I said, _don't_, Zack." Angeal tries to make his voice sound threatening. It works on the infantrymen, who shrink back to the corner of the elevator at the SOLDIER First's obvious annoyance.

Zack nods, but then he gives the infantrymen a reassuring smile as the doors open on their floor. "Don't worry," he says, laughing. "His bark is worse than his bite! I'd tell him to stop it, but you know what they say about old dogs and new tricks!"

He's gone before Angeal can murder him with his bare hands.

Angeal storms off the elevator, fuming silently and making his way to the training room. Zack doesn't look the least bit apologetic, but he apologizes anyway when Angeal marches into the room.

"You, puppy," Angeal says, turning on a simulation and cranking the difficulty up to _impossible_, "Should have kept your mouth shut."

"Well, you know, Angeal," Zack says, eyes shining with mirth, "I've never been very good at letting sleeping dogs - _ow_!"

ooooOOOOoooooo

"Maybe we should get a pet," Genesis says, later, when they're all at home.

"No," Angeal says. "_No_." Sometimes, he wonders if he is the only one who pays attention to anything, around here.

"Why?" asks Genesis, proving him right.

"Pets shed," Sephiroth points out, flipping a page in his magazine. It's about swords and military equipment, and it arrives monthly to their mailbox, addressed to _Stephan Roth_.

"So do you," Genesis says. "I found three silver hairs on my coat today." He smirks. "I think Lazard was jealous."

"Shhh," Sephiroth says, ducking his head. He's clearly blushing behind his hair. "Stop that."

"He wants to fuck you," Genesis keeps on, like a cat playing with a - oh, for fuck's sake.

Angeal sighs and ignores them for the moment. They're still being catty, and sooner or later, he'll get tired of it and bark at them to knock it off. Things are back to normal, clearly.

He keeps the laser pointer, though. Just in case.


End file.
